The Joke Thread!

[PXLB]

Please only reply with a joke!
Threads with no jokes will be deleted.

Here's my first one:


Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

[Maddie]

Its not all that funny, but still:

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

[Annmarie]

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...:


10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

[Hannah.]

Riddle..i guess its ok to post them right?

What has a bed, but never sleeps? What has mouth, but never eats? What has a tongue, but never talks?

This was in a Christmas cracker. I got it right! =)) Im not sure whether i typed it correctly but the answer is a river!

[Christine]

Duck in a bar
One day, a duck goes into a bar. He says: Gimme some crackers!

The bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve ducks here.

The duck walks out. One hour later, the duck comes back and says: Gimme some crackers!

The bartender says: Sorry, I told you! We don't serve ducks here!

The duck walks out. One hour later, he comes back to the bar and says: Gimme some crackers!

The bartender is getting a little ticked off. He says: Hey, if you come back here asking for crackers one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the floor!!

The duck, unshaken, walks out. One hour later, the duck returns and says: Do you have any nails?

No, the batender says, confused.

The duck then yells: Then GIMME SOME CRACKERS!!

[ashley]

The Poopie List



The Poopie List

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops --- a poopie

[Skye.x]

haha love them ! ! !

Theres a blond, a brunette and a red head running from the police, they come across an empty barn and go inside and hide behind potatoe sacks
They hear sirens coming
"COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" says the police man
the brunette goes "Meooow" and paws around in the hay a little
"its just a cat" the police man says
the redhead goes "WOOOF!" and pants a litte
"oh its just a stupid dog" the police man replies again
the blond, noticing theyre distractions decided to try one out

"POT-AYE-TOE .."

[kate]

LOL this reminded me of christine:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[Ali]

lmao these are awesome.

Fun In The Mall

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...

...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".

Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

Test mattresses in your pajamas.

Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

Sprint up the down escalator.

Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

Play the tuba for change.

Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".

Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".

Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".

"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"

Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back premed.

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

[ashley]

Grandma's letter

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Kenzie]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, duh!

LOL, I couldn't think of anything.

[Skye.x]

why did the rooster cross the road? he was following the chicken DUH!
Lol...............

[AliciaCB]

Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot, duh!

Couldn't think of anything that funny...

[♥phi]

30 Ways to annoy people

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


the original 101 is too long :p

[Summy]

I can't believe i acually laughed out loud for this one:
Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[Julia]

haha all of yours are hillarious :)

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

[Fatima]

These are hilarious (no offence against blondes)!

A blonde, brunette, and redhead have to listen to 99 jokes without laughing to enter heaven. Each time they pass a level the take a step and the jokes get funnier. By the 33rd step the brunette laughed. By the 66th step the redhead laughed. By the 99th step the blonde had 1 joke left but, she laughed.

"Why did you laugh, you had 1 joke left?" the guard of heaven asked.

"I laughed because I just understood the first joke," she answered.

A blonde, brunette and redhead stood in front of a mirror. If they told a lie they would disappear.

The brunette said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl ever."
She disappeared.

The redhead said, " I think I'm the smartest girl ever."
She disappeared.

The blonde said, "I think..."
She disappeared.

[♥lessKiki]

The Poopie List

Eww that was disgusting!

[Shivangi]

All of them are hilarious!

Can you beat this logic?

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

The man won.




The blondes and the detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[~*Syru$*~]

All of those are funny! :D Here mine:

Two men and a blonde are due to be executed. They are to be put in the electric chair. They are told that if when the switch is pushed, nothing happens, they are free.
The first man comes in, is strapped to the chair and asked if he has any last words. He says: "Tell my wife and children that I love them!" The switch is pushed and nothing happens, so he walks free.
The second man comes in. He is strapped to the chair and asked about last words. He says: "Tell my wife and kids that I love them!" The switch is pushed and nothing happens so he walks free, too.
The blonde comes in and is strapped to the chair. She is asked about her last words and says: "Yeah, you forgot to plug it in!"

No offence to Blondes, I'm blonde myself ^^ (Well, dark blonde... :rolleyes: )

[11pixelcuti1]

omg! that joke was so funny i almost peed on my self!!

[t-squad]

What Was Plz Tell Me I Wanna No

[11pixelcuti1]

:D There was this little boy named Chris, who had two brothers. They always do wierd things 2gether.Then 1 day Chris came in the house and sat down on the couch .His brothers asked him where did he get that cool mark on his face.So he showed them.They ran on the sidewalk until they stopped. Chris said "Do u see that pole?"and the brothers said yes. "Well then mabye i need some glasses",Chris yelled rubbing his scar.


Later i will come up wit some more. LOL!!!

[11pixelcuti1]

IS anybody going to put up new jokes!!! url=http://www.glitterfy.com/]http://img475.imageshack.us/img475/7994/glitterfy190815888bbj9.gif[/url]

[11pixelcuti1]

:p What is a deer that has no eyes and no legs?

I have no EYEDEER!


http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/3559/glitterfy191318238lhv8.gif (http://www.glitterfy.com/)

[cutie_1459]

funnyhttp://<a href="http://www.glitterfy.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://img05.glitterfy.com/graphics/64/anime.gif" border="0"><br />Glitterfy.com *Glitter Graphics*</a>

[cutie_1459]

IMG]http://<a href="http://www.glitterfy.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://img05.glitterfy.com/graphics/64/anime.gif" border="0"><br />Glitterfy.com *Glitter Graphics*</a>[/IMG]

[cutie_1459]

http://<a href="http://www.glitterfy.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://img05.glitterfy.com/graphics/64/bigguns.gif" border="0"><br />Glitterfy.com *Glitter Graphics*</a>Kids Jokes

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato blush?
A. Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!

Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.


Bumper Stickers 1-15


Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.


Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test


Cover me. I'm changing lanes.


Keep honking, I'm reloading


He who laughs last thinks slowest


Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?


You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me


Jesus is coming, everyone look busy


Your College Sucks


I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person


The Earth Is Full - Go Home


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
:p

[t-squad]

yeah they were cool. good jokes.

[♥lessKiki]

All of those are funny! :D Here mine:

Two men and a blonde are due to be executed. They are to be put in the electric chair. They are told that if when the switch is pushed, nothing happens, they are free.
The first man comes in, is strapped to the chair and asked if he has any last words. He says: "Tell my wife and children that I love them!" The switch is pushed and nothing happens, so he walks free.
The second man comes in. He is strapped to the chair and asked about last words. He says: "Tell my wife and kids that I love them!" The switch is pushed and nothing happens so he walks free, too.
The blonde comes in and is strapped to the chair. She is asked about her last words and says: "Yeah, you forgot to plug it in!"

No offence to Blondes, I'm blonde myself ^^ (Well, dark blonde... :rolleyes: )

Ah ha ha ha.... (Hey, another person from CDE! Chibs here!)

[Angela_A]

nice
heres 1 i found on da net
its a blonde joke

A blonde walked into work crying her eyes out and her boss asked her what was wrong. She said that her mom just died. Her boss told her she should take the day off. The blonde replied, "No I need to take my mind off of it." She went into her office. Her boss said, "I will check on you in a little while." After an hour the boss went into the office and the blonde was crying even more. He asked her what was wrong?


She answered, " I just got a call from my sister saying her mom died too!"

[CDE♥Freak♪]

again no offense to blondes
I am blonde my self


Blonde in a Boat.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

[bebe_24]

If a rooster layed an egg on the top of a roof, and the wind was blowing southeast, which way would the egg roll down?

Answer:Neither! Roosters don't lay eggs!! :)


bebe_24

[lou]

my joke is:
Q:why did the golf player where two pairs of trouses


A:in case he got a hole in one;):p

[*EMZiiExPiiE]

q ~ why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

a ~ to pot the brown :p

[-fifi-]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

so funny found it on the internet

[Dance_Luver]

Hey...My Turn!!! ok...here it goes. (no offense to blondes, i am a blonde)

There once was a blonde so dumb, she tried to drown a fish!
There once was a blonde so dumb, she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept!
There once was a blonde so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order!

[Rainbowfish]

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[cloe34]

funny http://bannerqueens.com/glitters/foreverf2.gif (http://bannerqueens.com/)

[ROXY_FOXY]

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

LOL that iz so funny!!

[ROXY_FOXY]

again no offense to blondes
I am blonde my self

where did u find this its funny stuff!:D

[ROXY_FOXY]

plz delete quoted wrong thing!:o :blush:

[*SPARKLE*]

i love doing jokes!haha-hehe!:D

[Bluewaters11]

i have one:

There were 3 ants that lived in a bathroom, and it was bedtime. so they picked where they slept, one slept in the tub, one in the sink, and one in the toilet. so they woke up and asked each other how they slept. the one in the tub said ok, the one in the sink said fine. then the one in the toilet said horrible!! first it rained then it thundered, and if i hadnt jumped on a log, i wouldve died! lol


Here is another:

Ten horrible reasons NOT to be a insect:

10. its always loud
9. when your a termite they always try to get you away from your food.
8. if your a worm, you'll be EATEN!!
7. you cant be famous really.
6. they are always giants around.
5. if your a ant, your home will get messed with be little giants.
4. people think you are gross, (unless a butterfly)
3. you always have to be naked.
2. its hard to get food
1. you get squashed

i couldnt think of anything!!

[Winx_ Musa]

A buy does very well in his subjects except history...
Mother- Why are you weak in history? Tell me.
Boy- The problem is the teacher asks me things that happened before i was even born !!!

[ladyfairy]

here are new jokes but, it is on a website. here is the website: www.youtube.com and then type in the search bar 'harry potter spoofs' and click on any video you want to watch.

[ValandNick27]

A woman walks into an icecream place.
Worker- Hello, what would you like?
woman- Hmm, I'll have a scoop of vanilla in a cone
worker- Sorry, ma'am, we have no more Vanilla, would you like something else?
woman- What a shame, i'll have a vanilla sundae please
worker- Uh... there's no more vanilla
woman- I see, well, can I have a Vanilla milkshake then?

The worker sighs and thinks for a moment. He then looks at the woman and asks:

worker-- Can you spell Blue, as in blueberry?
woman- b-l-u-e
worker- Good, now, can you spell Straw as in Strawberry?
woman- s-t-r-a-w
worker- Great! Now, can you spell Frig, as in Vanilla

The woman thinks for a little.

woman- Frig.... as in... vanilla?...... There's no Frig in Vanilla.


if you don't get that: (frig-in-vanilla)

[adsha1]

girl hush u know u need to hush so

[ValandNick27]

2 guys go into a bar, which is stupid because you figure when the first guy hits it the second guy would duck

=D

[darkshard567]

A man meets a beautiful woman at a bar.They have a few laughs and he buys her a drink.She leans over and says"I want you to make me feel like a real woman."so the guy takes off his coat and says"I need this ironed."

[ThatAnimeKid]

I got one! Noo offense, blondes, It wasn't really even my joke... :)

A blond girl is extremely determined to piont out that all blondes are not dumb.
So she goes to the library and chacks out 19 informational books about Ice Fishing.
She reads and reads and reads until finally she's an expert at Ice fishing.
Then, once it got cold outside, she came out of the house and went for a wlk with her equipment in hand.
She sets up, and lowers the line down.
"THERE'S NO FISH IN THERE!" booms a voice.
The girl shrugs and moves on to a differnet spot.
"I SAID THERE'S NO FISH IN THERE!!!" the blonde looked up.
"Is that you God?"
"NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

[evol]

Okay some people don't believe in santa but if u do don't read this or don't be offended or anything:

One Christmas eve there was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They had a perfect life and a perfect car to drive through the 3-inch snow without getting stuck or getting a frostbite. So off they went to the perfect woman's perfect mym.
On the way there they noticed santa stuck on a roof with a full bag of presents. They decided to give him a lift and so they put the presents in the boot and helped him deliver them.
On the way there they crashed. Who survived?????






Andswer: The woman.

(Because there is no such thing as a perfect man and no such thing as santa. Also that explains why they crashed, because woman are careless and stupid, but you still get perfect ones XD)

[HoneyAngel]

dee dee dee la la la ....




A joke:




spongebob likes the word poop....

hee hee

[HoneyAngel]

There are three thirsty travellers lost in the desert.
They came across an wise wizard.
The wizard said "go down these slides and say the drink you want while sliding down.
You will land in a pool of the drink you asked for.
One went down and said: Coooooooooooookkkkkeeeeeee
The next went: Lemonadeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The Third one went: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The third one didnt hear the wizard talking. He only did what his friends were doing...
And .... whoops.... He landed in wee!

[tomboy97]

Your momma is so ugly that when she was in America's Next Top and Ugliest Women the judge said "SORRY! NO PROFESIONALS!" eeehhh.. Old but I just wanted to post on this thread :)

[kaela1212]

A guy walks into a bar............................................... .......OUCH!

[evol]

Hey, that's my one!!! Anyway...

What do policemen get paid in? Coppers!! (Aha, aha, aha...ehem.)

What did donkey say to shrek after he beat him at chess? Shreeeek mate!! (WOOP)

Made those up myself. NOW GO OUT AND SPREAD THEM!!!

[LadyAerowyn]

I'm bored. ):

The magic elevator:

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the
walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Tarynn]

Lollness


An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[kokoro_143]

those are all pretty good.

here's one:

A blonde wearing headphones walks into a sallon to get her hair cut. she says, "I'd like to get my hair cut."
The beautician says, "You'll have to take your headphones off."
The blonde refuses to take off the headphones. She leaves and comes back the next day still wearing the headphones. She says, "I'd really like to get my hair cut."
The beautician says, "Then you'll have to take off your headphones."
The blonde says, "I can't" She leaves and comes back again the next day still wearing the headphones. She says to the beautician, "I really need to get my hair cut."
The beautician says, "I can't cut your hair unless you take off your headphones."
The blonde says, "I can't take them off."
Finally the beautician gets annoyed and walks over to the blonde and takes the headphones of her head. The blonde fall to the ground dead.
The beautician wondered what the blonde was listening to. So, the beautician puts the headphones on and hears, "Breathe in.....breathe out.....breathe in.....breathe out....."

To all the blondes out ther: Sorry!

[Kissu]

//lame humour
>_>"

KNOCK KNOCK
WHO'S THERE
ORANGE.
ORANGE WHO.
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA
//insert laughing

[fritafajita1]

Here is one i got from a magazine:
Jessica simpson and 2 of her friends just robbed a bank.the cops are after them so they hide in a farm. The first friend hides in a chicken coop the cops past by and look at it and jess's friend says a "bawk!bawk!" "oh that's just a chicken."says one of the cops. THEY GO BY A PASTURE WITH COWS. THE OTHER FRIEND SAYS "MOOO! MOOO!" "OH THAT'S JUST A COW," SAYS THE OTHER COP. THEN THEY PAST THE POTATO FEILD. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"SAID OONE OF THE COPS. JESSICA YELLED "POTATO!POTATO!"



NOT REALLY FUNNY BUT IT IS OK
http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o114/pxlb/glitters/personals/names2/faith024.gif (http://www.pixelbee.com)

[Kissu]

A blonde moment?
;3

[missrandom]

Knock Knock
Whose There
Cargo
Cargo who
Cargo BeepBeep

so sad, its actually funny

[green_panda]

Spelling!
(From my uncle :P)

There was a little boy, and his teacher.

Teacher: Spell 'boy.'
Boy: B. O.
Teacher: Yess...?
Boy: B. O.
Teacher: Keep going!
Boy: B. O!
Teacher: EERRG!!! Get out of the classroom!
Boy: Y?
Teacher: Good!

Teacher: Spell 'book.'
Boy: B. O.
Teacher: Yess?
Boy: B. O.
Teacher: Come on!
Boy: B. O!
Teacher: Get out of my classroom!
Boy: O. K!
Teacher: Good!

[buddyisnutty]

lol sorry cant think of any

[HoneyAngel]

Yaahhhh! My joke!

I'm crying...*sniff* I'm crying...but I'm not sad. Why, you ask? Because I'm cutting the onions.
Isn't that FUNNY?

[Overkast]

Here's mine:There are four cows in a field, one mother cow and three baby cows.
The first baby cow asks the mother: "Mama, why am I named Daisy?"
The mother cow replied: "Because when you were born a Daisy petal fell on your head.."
The second baby cow asks the mother: "Mama why am I named Rose?"
The mother cow replied: "Because when you were born a Rose petal fell on your head."
The third baby cow: "hufiwhaofiawheiouhwoieufjiwajfoiiawijfiofjijiwirra aarrrroowow!!"
The Mother cow: "Shut up Cinderblock"

[kaya]

A blond and a brunette are sitting in a field at night . The brunette decides to test the old "dumb blond" theory and asks: " What d'you think is further? The moon or India?". She lets five minutes pass and repeats the question. This time her efforts are not in vain as the blond replies "It's India ofcourse! You can see the moon but you can't see India!".

[guitarlove]

I got two jokes I made, they're both blonde ones.
The Answer to Dirty-blondes' Blankless

Why do dirty-blondes go blank during the summer? Simple,
during the summer, they're natural blonde highlights start
showing more often. That's also why, during the first few weeks
of school they're still a little blank, the sun's still out for a while.


When Blondes Don't Have More Fun

1. They have trouble at school, all the time.
2. They mess up at work.
3. They always say random things.
4. When they have to cover their blonde hair, but
their smarts disprove the "natural" burnette hair.
5. They always have to bring shopping lists, and not just
at grocery stores.
6. They get made fun of their blondness.
7. They end up at working for the nerd the turned down, to
date a jock.
8. They have their "random blonde moments" on TV.
9. They stop playing an instrument, when they mess up too
many times playing it.
10. When they have to get a GPS for their cars.
11. When they get stalked by random guys.
12. When they break or lose their nice phones.
13. Always drying up their pens, because they forget to close
the lid.
14. People leave them because, they say "like" or "you know" too many
times.
15. When they call some an eistein because, they think they got something right,
but as it turns out, the blonde messed up.
16. They start losing food, because they forgot to close bags, boxes, fridges, ect.
17. They read cookbooks wrong.
18. They always have to ask, someone at school for something during class.
19. When they usually are late to something, because they lost track of time.
20. When they "acciedently" say where they're hiding in the Wintess Proctection Unit.

Well, I hope you like it. :)

[green_panda]

There was an elephant, a dinosaur and a giant under one tiny umbrella. How many got wet???

None... it wasn't raining (: